doctors: why are all your bones broken
me: totally gnarly kick flip
doctors: fucking savage bro
can i have a fork
do you have a metal one
i planned this for days guys why wont you love me
"Why do you want this job?"
Because under capitalism I am forced to sell my labor in order to subsist.
i want someone who will sit on a rooftop with me at 3 am and shave their head while i shave my head and then hotglue the hair to the roof so the roof will have hair
“do you have a girlfriend?”
“no but sometimes people on the internet flirt with me and I have no idea how serious they are about it”
i tripped over a bra today
i think it was a booby trap
That was like the biggest plot twist of my life
the first person to poop must have been like ???????????????
As an infant they probably didn’t register what was happening
i was imagining a grown ass man. a man with a beard. a man hunting alaskan mammoths to provide for his family. i forgot babies. i forgot babies existed
I just slept for 15 hours what I miss?
oh thank god i thought i missed something big